Tag Archives: moms

Carpool Tutorial

My youngest son is turning 16 this year, which gives me pause. There’s an empty nest on the horizon, which will be proceeded by college application mayhem. But, before that, he will drive. His driving a car will undoubtedly bring on the next-level ulcer I’ve been waiting for, but it also signals the end of my nearly 24 year career as a chauffeur to children. My Volvo and I (this is my third, but certainly not final Volvo) have learned a few things in our decades of driving kids around. Namely, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do carpool.

Should you carpool? For sure. There have been few things that make my blood boil more than pulling up to basketball practice and seeing my neighbor’s car in front of mine. Both of us bundled up against the elements when one of us could be home on the couch. Carpooling conserves our precious resources, not the least of which is the mother’s sanity.

You’ll find yourself in a carpool group text, and the question will be: Which way do you want to drive? If possible, you should always answer “to,” not “from.” Say it like you’re doing everyone a big favor, “Oh I’d be happy to take them, my pleasure,” but the truth is that dropping kids off is a piece of cake. You gather up the clean children from the comfort of your car and drive them to the birthday party. You pull up in front, and they get out. If this happens to be a little kids’ party, you might be required to park and walk them in. But the second you get there, they will run in to join the fun and will thereafter be the problem of whoever is in charge.

The person with the real problem is the one who agreed to pick them up. She shows up at the party’s end to find the party’s not quite over and two of the kids are missing. She socializes a bit with the other waiting moms, reminds the kids in her care to say thank you, and then herds their sugared-up selves into her car. Halfway home, one of the kids will remember he left his Pokemon cards or sweatshirt behind, and she’ll have to turn around. Apologies, because that’s usually my kid.

In the case of sports practices in particular, start times are sharp, and end times are loose. I’ve arrived at the 6pm end time and sat in my car for 30 minutes waiting for practice to actually end. It took me years to figure out that the better strategy is to make the kids wait. They can totally handle it. Now I stay cozy in my house with my dog until I get a text that practice is over. My son and his pals have to wait 5 minutes for me to arrive, and I have waited not at all.

I shouldn’t have to remind you, but depending on the age of your children, don’t talk. Like don’t say anything. “Hello” followed by the name of the child getting into the car is okay, but still a little iffy. They will thank you as they get out of the car. Try to stick with “You’re welcome.” On days when I’ve been feeling a little whimsical, I’ve said things like “No problem, Sweetie” and it has not played well. If you take one piece of advice from this article, don’t say Sweetie.

Once, a child of mine complained that he hated carpooling because it takes so much longer to get there. Yes, I told him, this is why some people opt to travel by limousine rather than by bus. Of course he would rather I drove him directly to his destination and picked him up and drove him directly home, but carpooling is one of the very tiny ways I find to put my needs above my children’s. Trading a little inconvenience on their part for a little convenience on mine feels like just the small win I need.

An Open Letter to My Cleaning Lady

I don’t want to bother you while you’re quarantining with your family. But just real quick: why is everything so sticky? I remember the last time we said goodbye. It was like any other Tuesday. Your skin had that nice sheen of perspiration about it, and in my memory, you are the most beautiful person… Continue Reading

In the Age of Quarantine, Marie Kondo is Out of Luck

I’ve been imagining what quarantine is like for Marie Kondo in her tidy home, surrounded by the six items that spark joy in her heart. She is fully prepared for a military inspection or a surprise visit from her in-laws, but she wasn’t ready for a global pandemic. I, it seems, have been preparing for… Continue Reading

Grieving Our Plans

During the first few days of the COVID-19 crisis, I shook my head a lot: This isn’t so bad, people are overreacting. They can’t just start canceling things. I have plans. Obviously I was in denial, the first stage of grief, and it was my plans that I was mourning. My plans for the next… Continue Reading

The Dorm Room Fantasy

This spring I received a catalog in the mail called Pottery Barn Dorm. I’ve never received this catalog before, but I assume that Mark Zuckerberg told them that I have a child starting college this fall, so I wasn’t so surprised. What surprised me as I flipped through the glossy pages is that you don’t… Continue Reading

The Most Wasteful Time of the Year

The Most Wasteful Time of the Year

I read an article recently that said that 30% of all Christmas gifts end up in a landfill within 90 days. Another said that 50% of the gifts will be in a landfill within a year. These statistics are both horrifying and hard to substantiate. I tried to think of what I got my kids… Continue Reading

People You Might See At Thanksgiving

The Hostess. In my family we refer to her as “Stefanie”, and boy is she a chump. She’s hosted Thanksgiving for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years. For her birthday I gave her a gravy ladle, which is just like your husband giving you a broom. It’s a gift that says “you can feel free to keep… Continue Reading

I’m Turning Into My Grandmothers

I love those Progressive Auto Insurance commercials where they joke about how we’re all going to turn into our parents. Precocious as I am, I’m starting to think I’ve skipped a generation. I’m turning into my grandmothers. I had two grandmothers who were totally different from each other. Dora, my maternal grandmother, was a bit… Continue Reading

I Went to the DMV

I walk into the White Plains DMV not for the first time. I vaguely remember that I have to park on the roof and descend a flight of stairs that might give way at any moment. My husband has just gotten a really good deal on a used car, and I have been tasked with… Continue Reading

Motel 55

I’m running a one star hotel. I’m not worried about improving my rating, as it’s peak season and all of the rooms are full. There aren’t a lot of other options for my guests at this time of year, so the myriad complaints to management about the quality of service go largely ignored. Breakfast is… Continue Reading

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