Tag Archives: moms

If You’ve Got Five Kids, You’ve Got A Lot of Teeth

“That’s just so many teeth,” I said to the confused mother of five seated across from me at lunch.

It was a weird follow up to the pretty standard suburban question: “how many kids do you have?” Depending on your point of view, there are plenty of more appropriate reactions, including “how wonderful” and “so you have to make dinner for seven people every single night?” Those thoughts also ran in the back of my mind, along with questions about what kind of a car she drives and if she knows about college tuition. But mostly, I wondered about the teeth.

When a child is getting his first tooth, the world stops spinning on its axis. I imagine it’s the sound of that bloodcurdling scream that throws off the gravitational pull. Those teeth seem to do their best sprouting at around 3am and take a few days to settle in. Do that twenty times with one child and you’ve lost a lot of sleep. Now multiply that by five.

Once you’ve white knuckled it through the getting of teeth, you have to take care of them. Toothpaste is an acquired taste, as is having a stick shoved in your mouth, so negotiating the brushing of a toddler’s hard won teeth requires strategy. Every night for several years, I would have to distract one of my children by telling him a story about my day while I brushed his teeth. The stories of my regular day were not interesting enough, so I’d make up the tale of the dog I met who spoke Spanish or the man who appeared out of the sidewalk drain to give me flowers. Coming up with this stuff took a lot of time.

It’s a good thing I took such good care of those teeth because with very little ceremony, they all fell out. All twenty of them, purchased by some weirdo who likes to build castles in the air using children’s teeth as construction material. But the money’s pretty good, so we do her bidding. For each of those lost teeth I snuck back into the child’s room, risking undoing the bedtime ritual by waking him up. I shoved a couple of bucks under his pillow, a couple of bucks that will probably be spent on candy.

Speaking of candy, for every one child you have, you have to go to the dentist twice a year. Occasionally I’ve gotten lucky and have gotten all three of my kids simultaneous appointments, but I guarantee no office has five dental chairs in a row. These appointments are hard to get and unbelievably pricey, as my insurance doesn’t cover services like X-box and a full size Ironman in the waiting room. There’s the cleaning and the occasional cavity, plus the all-important sealants that keep the molars cavitiy-free, which cost $70 each and make you wonder why you ever started the teeth brushing in the first place.

And in the United States in 2018, every child needs braces. I’ve had three children with perfectly normal looking teeth diagnosed with Severe Teeth in the Wrong Place Disorder. We’ve had three sets of braces. The first month of a child’s having braces sort of takes you back to the teething stage. The child is in agony with the added bonus of metal slicing the inside of his mouth and a new avenue for social stigma. A full set of braces entitles you to a monthly appointment, several of which you’ll forget, where the pain is restored back to Day 1.

After the braces, there’s the retainer. It costs like $700 and it will get lost. At least once. So I raise my dental floss to you, mother of five. I just don’t know how you do it.

The Upside of Scarcity

Many years ago, my son received a Thomas the Tank Engine train and a circle of tracks as a gift. He was two years old and could zoom Thomas around that track for hours, frontwards, backwards, crashing into imaginary obstacles. He loved it so much that I bought Thomas a buddy, his faithful passenger coach… Continue Reading

How I Became A British Aristocrat

I was laid up for the month of December. I was recovering from surgery, and I’d gladly tell you all about it but after watching a solid month of Downton Abbey, I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn’t talk about such things in mixed company. I mean Lady Mary had some kind of women’s surgery… Continue Reading

Never Say Never

I’ve come to accept the fact that I should never say never. In fact, as I get older, it seems that every time I shun some activity with the words “I’d never,” I immediately go ahead and do it. Examples include getting my fourth grader his own phone, leaving my kids alone overnight and buying… Continue Reading

Sports Niceties in Real Life

Spring sports are winding down and the whole thing seems like a blur of driving, costume changes and sandwiches eaten in the car. There was the requisite amount of elbow jabbing, name calling and blood letting. But there were also the niceties of sports, the repeated rituals, words and actions that sort of smooth out… Continue Reading

The Homecoming

I wander around my unusually clean kitchen, killing time before I get to pick up my son from the airport. He has just finished his freshman year in college, and something that feels like relief floods my nervous system. I haven’t seen him in two months, so I try to imagine what he’s going to… Continue Reading

Is Anyone Else Tired?

Remember when that new, zealous guy started work at your office? The one who thought it would be more productive to come in a few minutes earlier and stay a few minutes later? Next thing you knew, your nine-to-five job was eight-to-six, for the same pay. I wonder if this is what’s happened to motherhood.… Continue Reading

Macabre Tales of My Mandoline

Fifteen years ago my mother-in-law gave me a mandoline for my birthday. When I try to talk to my friends about the mandoline, they think I’m referring to an instrument in the lute family, which actually might have been a better gift for me. This device is the culinary kind. The box says it’s supposed… Continue Reading

Notes for Next Christmas

I have a friend who has a very thoughtful way of living her life, and I try to pick up her habits when I can. She recently told me that every year after Christmas she takes a few minutes to jot down what worked and what didn’t, so that she doesn’t make the same mistakes… Continue Reading

Does This Volvo Make My Butt Look Big?

I am thrilled to announce that my new book Does This Volvo Make My Butt Look Big? is officially out today. This book is a collection of essays for moms (and other tired people) about the mundane, beautiful and occasionally hilarious moments of parenting. Moms can sometimes feel like support staff, but we are just… Continue Reading

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