Tag Archives: housework

Motel 55

I’m running a one star hotel. I’m not worried about improving my rating, as it’s peak season and all of the rooms are full. There aren’t a lot of other options for my guests at this time of year, so the myriad complaints to management about the quality of service go largely ignored.

Breakfast is the real strength of this establishment, the diamond in its crown. Breakfast is available between the hours of 6am and 1pm, allowing for work, camp and party schedules alike. Our chef is highly caffeinated and motivated during these hours and is happy to provide meals customized to all guests’ likings: omelets with sautéed vegetables and an avocado garnish, oatmeal with nuts and berries, scratch made pancakes, or bacon egg and cheese sandwiches on your choice of bread. We offer a side of mixed fruits and a staggering variety of breakfast meats.

We do not serve lunch.

Dinner is served when it’s ready, and not a minute before. So management would like to remind guests that continually asking when it will be ready does not speed up the service. Dinner is served as one meal and we are sorry that we cannot accommodate requests for substitutions. Guests who are hungry after dinner are welcome to visit any one of our town’s fine fast food establishments at their own expense. A complete listing is available by typing “Google” into any device.

It’s been said that the laundry service in this hotel is a bit erratic. We prefer to call it “weather dependent.” During a week with consecutive sunny days, it is likely that guests will be reusing dirty clothes. If it has recently rained, they can expect clean ones. We hope that our guests understand that the weather is beyond our control. Management has offered all guests full use of the self-service laundry facilities, free of charge. That offering has not proved to be popular among this season’s clientele.

Historically, in an effort to be green, we have informed our guests that if they wish to reuse a towel, they can let us know by hanging it up. Only towels thrown on the floor will be washed. This policy was changed when management realized that all towels at all times were being thrown on the floor. The revised policy is for all towels to be ignored indefinitely.

Transportation is provided free of charge by the hotel’s Volvo wagon. Complaints about or even allusions to the cleanliness of this vehicle are ignored and considered ironic. The shuttle runs to and from the train station on demand as needed as well as to points of interest within the hotel’s zip code. Transportation farther afield must be arranged separately and at the guest’s expense.

Cleaning staff comes to the hotel once weekly on Tuesday mornings. If any guest opts to sleep until noon that day, he forfeits his right to that particular service.

Our guests regularly attend the mandatory Sunday night bar-b-que, mainly because the food is better than what’s prepared in the kitchen. And also it’s mandatory. Otherwise our offering of activities hasn’t seemed to hit the mark. Walking the dog, transporting recycling bins and long conversations with hotel staff about college plans don’t seem to compel our guests to participation. But we do offer free wifi and unlimited gaming access, so that should count for something.

Other People’s Problems

Sometimes, when I’m busy not writing my novel, I daydream about finishing my students’ novels. My mind floods with ideas to fill in their story gaps. I dream up surprise endings and pages of snappy dialog. While driving the other day, I decided that one of my student’s characters should have a heavy suitcase at the… Continue Reading

My Dishwasher and Me

Sometimes the deepest friendships take a while to solidify. They don’t seem obvious at first. Maybe you have different interests, different backgrounds. Maybe one of you is a human being and the other is a dishwasher. Whatever the barriers are, they can often fall away once you spend a lot of time with someone. My… Continue Reading

Lost and Found and Down the Rabbit Hole

It usually starts with “Mooooom…” Though it sometimes starts with “Hooooooney…” I hear it more in my lower back than in my ears, because I know this calm plea for help often leads to a trip down the rabbit hole. It’s the moment that some member of my family cannot immediately find the item that… Continue Reading

If More Moms Were Inventors

As Published in the Rye Record on September 25, 2015   My son’s third grade class studied inventors last spring. Every day he came home with another fascinating story of an invention like the light bulb or the automobile. It was inspiring to him and to me, because it made us see how people who… Continue Reading

Note to Moms: It’s okay to breathe

As published in The Week on September 26, 2013     The most unnerving part of any flight is when the flight attendant reminds me that if all the air in the plane happens to disappear, I should secure my own air mask before helping my children. Now, I’m not really worried about the air… Continue Reading

Coming Home Empty Handed From the School Fair

As published in the Rye Record on May 3, 2013    I’ve just returned from the Midland School Fair. I am completely dehydrated, my feet hurt, and I am in possession of one partially mutilated cake that my son won at the cakewalk. My youngest son got his face painted, and I’m watching him casually transfer that… Continue Reading

Case Closed on the Missing Socks: All of Them!

As published in The Rye Record on April 5, 2013   There are many baffling questions we ask again and again, hoping that maybe in the afterlife their answers will be revealed to us. Why are we here? Why can’t time fly when we’re not having fun? Where did my waist go? And, of course,… Continue Reading

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