Tag Archives: housework

New Years Day Has Been Moved

It’s been three weeks since I flubbed my New Year’s resolution. I’m not proud of this fact, but here we are. Just like last year. I think the main problem with New Years resolutions is that they happen on January 1. There is no worse day in the year to try to turn things around.

What worse day to commit yourself to a strict diet that the day you wake up with impossibly high blood sugar and a stomach stretched to twice its normal size. You ate your weight in baked brie the night before, so you need a burrito, not a bowl of berries. You’ve just spent ten days grazing on breaded delicacies and mysterious shapes dipped in chocolate. You briefly wondered if it’s popcorn or nuts under all that chocolate, as you shoved another handful in your mouth. Somewhere during the last week of December, you succumbed to the Honey Baked Ham, which is pretty much salty pig candy. You’re in no shape for drastic change.

Several people have told me they were going to stop drinking alcohol for the month of January. I can only imagine how that went. First of all, pick a month with fewer days. Secondly, alcohol was invented for January. It gets dark at 4pm and the sun doesn’t rise until after 7. If you like the nightlife, January is for you! Why not quit drinking during a month where you can go out and enjoy wholesome things like walks on the beach and guacamole. You’ve got to ease your way back from the cumulative hangover that stems from getting together for a few holiday drinks thirty days in a row.

The fiscal resolution is one of the trickiest. It starts out okay, because you can get away with spending absolutely no money on January 1. Chances are you have half an open bottle of champagne by your bed and a half a Honey Baked Ham in the fridge. You can stick to this feeling of austerity right up to the 10th when your holiday credit card bill rolls in. That thing packs a punch like no other bill you’ll see all year. In fact, my first instinct is to call the fraud department, hopeful that some lunatic has stolen my credit card and has gone on a bender at Amazon. Every year, that lunatic turns out to be me.  The truth is that I only spent $80. Two hundred times. There are millions of tiny little charges that seemed so necessary at the time. An extra trip to the Home Depot for just one more wreath. The Christmas Eve celebration. The Christmas Day celebration. The Boxing Day bonanza. The salty pig candy wasn’t cheap either.

If your resolution was to get your house organized (ahem), why would you pick the messiest, most cluttered day of the year? Remnants of gifts (and often the gifts themselves) need to be thrown out before you can even tackle your normal mess. The toys and shoes that needed to be sorted and culled months ago are now hidden under a dust of pine needles and ribbons.

The good news is that I’ve just given you all the excuses you need to feel good about your New Year’s failure. The bad news is that it’s now February 1st, and it’s go time.  January is just the buffer month, a month to get the tree off the curb and maybe cut back on the sodium. January is here to ease us back in; not to help us lose weight but to maybe help us slow the rate of gaining. So today’s the day.  Happy (adjusted) New Year. Let’s be grateful it’s a short month.

Motel 55

I’m running a one star hotel. I’m not worried about improving my rating, as it’s peak season and all of the rooms are full. There aren’t a lot of other options for my guests at this time of year, so the myriad complaints to management about the quality of service go largely ignored. Breakfast is… Continue Reading

Other People’s Problems

Sometimes, when I’m busy not writing my novel, I daydream about finishing my students’ novels. My mind floods with ideas to fill in their story gaps. I dream up surprise endings and pages of snappy dialog. While driving the other day, I decided that one of my student’s characters should have a heavy suitcase at the… Continue Reading

My Dishwasher and Me

Sometimes the deepest friendships take a while to solidify. They don’t seem obvious at first. Maybe you have different interests, different backgrounds. Maybe one of you is a human being and the other is a dishwasher. Whatever the barriers are, they can often fall away once you spend a lot of time with someone. My… Continue Reading

Lost and Found and Down the Rabbit Hole

It usually starts with “Mooooom…” Though it sometimes starts with “Hooooooney…” I hear it more in my lower back than in my ears, because I know this calm plea for help often leads to a trip down the rabbit hole. It’s the moment that some member of my family cannot immediately find the item that… Continue Reading

If More Moms Were Inventors

As Published in the Rye Record on September 25, 2015   My son’s third grade class studied inventors last spring. Every day he came home with another fascinating story of an invention like the light bulb or the automobile. It was inspiring to him and to me, because it made us see how people who… Continue Reading

Note to Moms: It’s okay to breathe

As published in The Week on September 26, 2013     The most unnerving part of any flight is when the flight attendant reminds me that if all the air in the plane happens to disappear, I should secure my own air mask before helping my children. Now, I’m not really worried about the air… Continue Reading

Coming Home Empty Handed From the School Fair

As published in the Rye Record on May 3, 2013    I’ve just returned from the Midland School Fair. I am completely dehydrated, my feet hurt, and I am in possession of one partially mutilated cake that my son won at the cakewalk. My youngest son got his face painted, and I’m watching him casually transfer that… Continue Reading

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