Category Archives: Women and midlife

My Memory Keepers

I met my high school girlfriends in Palm Springs for a weekend to celebrate our 50th birthdays. It has been 32 years since we all lived in the same place. By the same place, I mean Los Angeles, but I also mean in each other’s exact space. We moved freely in and out of each other’s homes, in a constant exchange of clothes, shoes and gas money. We collectively owned three prom dresses – the same dress in three colors – that we passed around as needed. These dresses were mini on them, knee length on me.

During these years, we soaked up each other’s home life the way we soaked up our own. We experienced each other’s parents’ and siblings’ best and worst behavior but didn’t really discuss it. It was just the way it was at that house, like each home had it’s own laws of physics. At this house, we are not allowed to open the container of milk. At this house, we tiptoe around the stepfather. At this house, anything goes.

After high school, you don’t dwell as much in your friends’ homes. You live together in dorms or apartments and socialize at bars. You may meet your college friends’ parents briefly at school events, but you never see them in their pajamas. You never hear them yell; you never smell the smoke inside their Chevy Impala.

With high school friends, complete transparency is a starting point. You make friends and then invite them home into your ecosystem. You show yourself to these friends before you’ve had a chance to think better of it, because yours is the only family you know. At 14, you don’t stop to analyze what you saw at your friend’s dinner table. But you can’t unsee it either.

During this weekend, I felt as if I was seen as the odd plant I’ve become, but by people who are familiar with the soil in which I grew. All of the childhood memories that I hold in the corners of my mind are also held in the corners of my friends’ minds. None of us had anything to retell or explain; we are the keepers of each other’s histories.

Because of this, our weekend required no social effort. Nothing was too much or inappropriate. With friends like these, you can present something whole and unedited as if it’s transferred from one heart to another. An old friend might say, “Yeah your family really was a mess,” and in the next instant, “I loved them so much.” And that’s actually the whole story. An old friend can hold both things in her heart – what wasn’t perfect and the beauty of that thing.

Like any group of 50 year olds, we’ve endured a bit of life. Seeing my friends so grown and resilient made me feel proud of them and myself. How did people who regularly [redacted on the off-chance my children read my column] grow up to be responsible adults? At what point did they all learn how to cook? How is it possible that we’re collectively (over) parenting eleven teenagers?

We talked about a lot of stuff, but what we didn’t discuss was the next cycle – our own teenagers bringing their friends into our homes and what impressions we might be making. We’re all saturated enough in our own families to think things are perfectly normal, but no family is perfectly normal. Everyone’s seen me in my pajamas. I’m feeling a renewed gratitude for my lifelong friends and also for my children’s lifelong friends, who will certainly be the keepers of their histories.

Mark Zuckerberg Wants to Fix Me

Mark Zuckerberg Wants to Fix Me

Artificial intelligence is a thing. I don’t understand it, and I’m not really interested in understanding it, but I’m told that Instagram scans my posts and the posts of my friends, multiplies them by the square root of something and then decides what ads to show me.  In fact, the advertisements on my Instagram feed… Continue Reading

New Years Day Has Been Moved

It’s been three weeks since I flubbed my New Year’s resolution. I’m not proud of this fact, but here we are. Just like last year. I think the main problem with New Years resolutions is that they happen on January 1. There is no worse day in the year to try to turn things around.… Continue Reading

I’m Turning Into My Grandmothers

I love those Progressive Auto Insurance commercials where they joke about how we’re all going to turn into our parents. Precocious as I am, I’m starting to think I’ve skipped a generation. I’m turning into my grandmothers. I had two grandmothers who were totally different from each other. Dora, my maternal grandmother, was a bit… Continue Reading

The Upside of Scarcity

Many years ago, my son received a Thomas the Tank Engine train and a circle of tracks as a gift. He was two years old and could zoom Thomas around that track for hours, frontwards, backwards, crashing into imaginary obstacles. He loved it so much that I bought Thomas a buddy, his faithful passenger coach… Continue Reading

How I Became A British Aristocrat

I was laid up for the month of December. I was recovering from surgery, and I’d gladly tell you all about it but after watching a solid month of Downton Abbey, I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn’t talk about such things in mixed company. I mean Lady Mary had some kind of women’s surgery… Continue Reading

The Ins and Outs of the Thank You

One time someone did something really nice for me. I was full of gratitude so, naturally, I wanted to thank her. I could have immediately sent a text. I could have taken the extra 10 seconds and sent an email. I could have opened a drawer, pulled out a piece of stationary and written a… Continue Reading

My Dishwasher and Me

Sometimes the deepest friendships take a while to solidify. They don’t seem obvious at first. Maybe you have different interests, different backgrounds. Maybe one of you is a human being and the other is a dishwasher. Whatever the barriers are, they can often fall away once you spend a lot of time with someone. My… Continue Reading

Growing Up in a Marriage

When I was a newly engaged 25 year old registering for wedding gifts, I chose two sets of champagne glasses – fancy crystal ones and the cheaper, boxed ones for everyday. Yes, you read that right. In my mind, we’d definitely need everyday champagne glasses, like for Mondays. Marriage isn’t exactly what I thought it… Continue Reading

The Time Warp of Back to School Night

As publishished in The Week on October 21, 2015   The cool kids are hanging by the lockers, laughing and talking a little too loud. The nerds are in the classroom early, eager to shake hands with the teacher and nab the seats in the front row. The girls are put together in skinny jeans,… Continue Reading

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